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Old Jokes, Week 5 & 6: A top however many you want on cows...

8,955 MethaManAircraft  11 months ago

Well mate! And you call yourself responsible?! You are ooooonly 8 days LATE!!!!
Yeah, sorry about that if any of you were expecting a blast of fresh warmth these last two Sundays, but thing got event more hectic than they were prior to me returning from the best week of my life... (more on that another time... ;-) )

So to forgive myself, I have decided to treat you with not 1, or two but a MILION... I am kidding, but the three of the thrun groaners tonight...


  • ! - Disclaimer:
  • and like last times, these jokes are old and not written by me and may not be to your taste and quite weak (Also means that I am not responsible for how you take the joke)...

First: Top 45 Oxymorons
<p>
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works


Second: WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
<p>
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
--Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
--William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
--Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
--Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
--Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...if you have one."
--George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
--Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
--Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
--Irvin S. Cobb

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
--Robert Redford

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
--Mae West

" Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
--Oscar Wilde


Third: How to understand politics by using cows

 SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows; you give one to your neighbour.

 COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

 BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
 the milk away...

 SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

 TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and
 the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

 AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
 milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

 A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads,
 because you want three cows.

 A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
 an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called
 &#39;cowkimon&#39; and market it worldwide.

 A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
 once a month, and milk themselves.

 AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don&#39;t know where they are. You decide to have
 lunch.

 A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
 count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop
 counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for
 storing them.

 CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you
 have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the real
 situation.

 AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

 IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have one. No-one
 believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are
 part of a Democracy....

 WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
 attractive.

 AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office
 and go for a few beers to celebrate

 A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a licence to milk
 them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry
 out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under
 health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk
 maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4
 kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you
 therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have
 to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to
 get your licence to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you next to nothing
 for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press
 statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows
 are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and Anyway the rest of the world, have no intention
 of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don&#39;t know their cows are really,
 really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish Migrant worker and your farm to a Russian
 &#39;investment bank&#39; and
 then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and
 the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home. They don&#39;t have a
 National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health
 improves and you live to be a hundred.

</p>

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    the Russian corporation was funny

    11 months ago
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    A SP corporation: You have one worm.
    You have two worms.
    You have four worms.
    You have eight worms.
    You have 16 worms.
    You have 32 worms.
    You have 64 worms.
    You have 128 worms.
    You have 256 worms...

    +4 11 months ago
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    What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND Beef!

    +2 11 months ago
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    2,586 Jetliner101

    ok

    11 months ago
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    26.2k DuckMint

    Accurate.

    A New Zealand Corporation:
    You have 2 cows, you have enough money to hire a dairy farm, but not enough money to pay for (this curse priced) fuel to transport it anywhere, so you have to increase the sale price, which in turn increases all dairy industry foods to skyrocket in price causing a countrywide economy downfall.
    NOW I HAVE TO SPEND $16 NZD JUST TO BUY A 1KG BLOCK OF TASTY CHEESE!!!
    (That translates to $10:68 USD for a 2.2lbs block of chez!)

    /\ This is an actual problem in NZ as of current. Because of the fuel price increase, (currently around $2.70NZD a litre or $6.82USD for 1 gallon of PETROL!) this is causing trucking companies to increase the cost of delivery so they can make a profit, that forces any shop or supply warehouse to increase THEIR prices so THEY can make a living too!
    So, the price in dairy items has increased by about $3-$9!

    I LIKE CHEESE, THIS IS A PROBLEM!

    +2 11 months ago
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    7,700 SuperSix

    No @CruzerBlade

    +1 11 months ago
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    8,265 CruzerBlade

    What do you call a cow that lived in the soviet union? A comMOOnist.

    +3 11 months ago
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    97.3k RailfanEthan

    kawalski, analysis

    +7 11 months ago