Please don't pay attention to the grammar, I will be using ChatGPT voice input. I want to pour my heart out to you, repent, complain, cry, as this community is one of the best I know. I recently had to leave someone. I recently had to leave my girlfriend. Let me say in advance that I am not asking for your pity, I am not asking you to admire me or anything else. Treat this story however you want. I just want to get through all this shit and move on. So here it is. Recently, I just realized that I need to pull myself together and not behave like a child in my relationships. I need to get together with my partner and start learning how to talk and negotiate with each other. It would seem that these are simple things that we do with other people every day, but it turns out that it becomes a very difficult task, on par with physics or advanced mathematics, when it comes to your personal relationships or simply relationships between men and women in general. It so happened that my woman lives far away, and we have such a long history there that I don't even want to look back on it, because there are many good things, but there is also a lot of shit. I recently wanted to visit her with a surprise during her vacation, because the university gave her the opportunity to take a break. And she wanted it so much, she talked a lot about wanting us to get married. You know, I'm a person who plans a lot, worries a lot, is very anxious, I'm suspicious, I'm afraid of a lot of things, but here I felt that I really had to propose to her. To make her happy and take everything into my own hands, take responsibility and, as a gentleman, as a man, be a decent partner, so that she would be happy and we wouldn't argue over such trivial things as, for example, I don't know, there are many things, I won't go into detail. I went there, but you know, everything turned out so badly that it wasn't a relationship, it was just a roller coaster, and I'm probably not ready. And I realized that we are both children, we are both children in grown-up bodies. And it's wearing me down. My nervous system is starting to wear out from this relationship, and I don't really understand what I want, how to do it, and I'm not acting right, and neither is she. We were in a codependent relationship, and we've known each other for 10 years, since childhood. You know, for me, this isn't just an intriguing romance for a couple of weeks, but a real love story that lasted not one, not two, not three, but ten years. One day, when we had a pretty big fight, I packed all my things and realized that I shouldn't be here. And I didn't even try to talk about it, because I would have been drawn back into our cycle of hell. Our cycle consisted of us arguing, then making up, making love, for example, or forgetting everything as if nothing had happened, and then arguing again. But I made a firm decision, a very difficult and painful one, but in my opinion, the right one. After all, I saw many times that she was unhappy, and I am very ashamed that I did not show myself in the best light as a man. Like a child. And despite the fact that she was torn apart by pain when I left, I saw how she sincerely feared that I was leaving, and she sincerely did not want that. No matter how much we argued, no matter how much we threw mud at each other from head to toe. I saw how scared she was. I saw her crying. As if I were abandoning a small child in a store. It's very frightening. It's painful. I saw how I was killing our whole inner world with my own hands. Killing our dreams, killing our hopes. Because I needed to save myself and save her, because it was very hard for both of us, and we weren't happy. And you know, I came home, and I feel like, yes, everything is as usual. So I flew home from St. Petersburg. The dog is at home, the family is at home, friends are playing games, school is starting soon. Well, it's as if part of my inner world has died. It's alive. No, I'm not saying it right, it's alive, but it's dying, and it's excruciatingly painful.
My body feels like cotton wool. I want to lie down and do nothing. Honestly. And you know what's crazy? That... I... wasn't honest when I was in a relationship. I acted out of a sense of duty, that if someone sacrifices themselves, then I should sacrifice myself too. That she loves me very much, which is actually true. And I must love her just as much and sacrifice myself. Go beyond myself. Well, you know, well, you know. You can't go against yourself for long. It's hard. Your body lets you know, your emotions let you know that it won't work when you always do everything not the way you like it, but the way someone else likes it.
You know, I'm a pathetic creature to some extent, and I didn't have the guts to say, "Honey, I can't take it anymore. And no matter how much we love each other, no matter how much we want to save it, yes, no matter how much emotion and energy we spend, no matter what emotional roller coaster we experience in our relationship, or rather, emotional seesaw, I can't take it all out, and I think it's better for us to part ways and not play these games in the hope that everything will change at once. We go through the same cycle over and over again, and we both hurt each other. I love you and want you to be happy. No matter how jealous I am of you, I want you to have a decent man by your side who will understand you, support you, and be your rock. Someone who can be there for you in all the hard times and build a strong and loving family with you." You know, I just, I just couldn't. I just couldn't. I haven't reached the point where it's really hard for me, and that's why I left in a huff. You see, I left silently because I knew that if I didn't keep quiet, if I didn't keep quiet, we would start another big drama, and everything would come back to square one. And I'm scared, I'm scared to argue with her. My emotional resources are very small compared to hers. I don't like arguing, you know. Everything came to this, oh, everything came to this because we did certain things. This is the result of our joint efforts. But you know, it hurts me so much. Yes, I know, the world hasn't ended. I don't devalue anyone, I don't insult anyone, I don't argue with anyone. But you know, it's so upsetting. For myself, for her, for everything we put into it. I feel awful. Really awful.